One of the many tactics that emotional abusers will use on their victims is to present themselves as a victim. Everything bad that has ever happened to them will be the results of someone else’s actions against them. An abuser who uses the victim mentality to manipulate their spouse or partner is a master manipulator who is engaging in covert abuse.
This can be particularly confusing to the actual abuse victim (you) because you will most likely spend countless hours and energy trying to prove your undying love to your abuser in order to save the relationship and prove to them that you are nothing like all the previous horrible people they have encountered in their lives. And this desire to please your abuser and make things better for them will be picked up by your abuser almost immediately.
Emotional abusers have a way of presenting themselves in such a manner, that any normal, deeply empathetic person will feel a deep concern for their abuser’s struggles, and have a desire to show them that your can really love them well, and in the process, cure them of their victimhood. The problem is, this really isn’t possible. And unfortunately, you are wrong if you think you can. There are a numbers of distinct signs that will help you identify a “victim abuser.”
Most “victim abusers” are self-centered. They will usually portray themselves poor, blameless, wounded souls, that have been innocently caught up in the poor behavior of their previous partners, or are a victim of many unfortunate circumstances. This type of emotional abuser is only capable of seeing their own hurt, which most often has been fabricated in their own mind.
Even though they cause most of the problems in their relationships, they don’t see or believe this reality they have actually caused or created. Because of this, most abusers lack empathy and don’t have the ability to care about the feelings of others.
Most “victim abusers” have a twisted sense of reality. They do not have the ability to be in a deep, personal relationship, and they use this form of manipulation that actually impairs or prevents the type of true and meaningful connection they actually desire. They basically sabotage their own happiness and blame you for it. This causes you, the actual victim, to do anything you can to help and care for them better.
You may even ask your abuser how you can be a better spouse/partner. Some will respond with a list of suggestions (demands), but many will not even respond to your requests to explain their desires more, because it is much easier for them to just accuse you of falling short and being a fatally flawed person that cannot meet their needs. In other words, it much easier for them to just complain a lot.
The problem is, that when you believe their toxic rhetoric, it forces you to become overly responsible for fixing the relationship. The entire burden for happiness in the relationship falls on you. There is no equal effort or investment from both partners. The irony is that the problem only exists because your abuser created it in the first place; and there really is no solution because they don’t want there to be one.
Most “victim abusers” share these similar traits:
· Everyone has done me wrong; particularly my previous partner(s.) Poor me.
· If you start accusing me of being abusive you are just proving that you are just as cruel and unfair to me as the “rest” of them.
· It is justifiable for me to do whatever I feel to make sure you get the message.
· I’ve had it so hard I’m not responsible for my actions.
Most actual victims in this type of relationship share one primary feeling, and that is guilt. They are conditioned to believe that they are solely responsible for fixing all the problems the abuser creates. And when they fall short and can’t fix the problems (which aren’t fixable in the first place) they end up feeling even more guilty.
And most victims who this type of guilt and frustration have a hard time leaving this type of relationship because of the guilt they feel. They have been conditioned to see their emotional abusers as poor, helpless, pathetic little souls which is it what makes it so difficult for the actual victim to break free from them. And what is really sad is that many victims of this type of abuse aren’t even aware it is taking place because it is so manipulative. And they may spend years trying to improve for their abusers only to discover that they will always fall sort of getting there.
How To Break Free.
There are some simple but often difficult skills that will help you to break free from this type of relationship.
1. Trust yourself and your gut intuition.
2. Set firm boundaries on what you are willing to do, and don’t waver.
3. Don’t allow yourself to be responsible for their happiness.
4. Remember that your life belongs to you, not your abuser.
5. If none of this works or produces changes in your abuser, leave the relationship!